Co-Regulation vs. Self-Regulation: How to Help Your Child Develop Emotional Resilience

Emotional Regulation in Children With Autism: Co-Regulation and Self-Regulation

For children with autism, developing emotional regulation skills is an important part of their developmental journey. Some children may experience emotions intensely, have difficulty communicating how they feel, or process sensory and emotional information differently.

Understanding the relationship between co-regulation and self-regulation can give parents, carers and educators practical ways to support a child’s emotional development. With consistent support, children with autism can gradually develop strategies to recognise, communicate and manage their emotions more effectively.

Understanding Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation develops gradually. Early in life, children rely heavily on caregivers to help them understand and manage overwhelming emotions. Over time, children can begin to recognise their feelings, understand what triggers them and use strategies to regulate themselves.

This developmental process includes two closely connected skills: co-regulation and self-regulation.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation occurs when a caregiver actively helps a child manage their emotions during moments of distress, frustration, excitement or overwhelm.

Co-regulation involves recognising a child’s emotional state, acknowledging what they are experiencing, providing appropriate support and modelling calm responses. Rather than expecting a child to manage difficult emotions independently, the adult provides the support the child needs in that moment.

What Is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is the developing ability to recognise and manage your own emotions, impulses and behaviours. It can include identifying feelings, recognising triggers and choosing strategies that help maintain emotional balance.

For children with autism, self-regulation may develop differently or require more explicit teaching and practice. The goal is not for children to manage every emotion independently, but to gradually build a flexible set of strategies they can use with increasing independence.

Why Is Co-Regulation Important for Children With Autism?

Co-regulation provides an important foundation for emotional regulation. When caregivers consistently respond to a child’s emotional needs with calmness, understanding and appropriate support, children have opportunities to learn what emotions feel like and how they can be managed.

For children with autism, co-regulation can be particularly valuable when emotions, sensory experiences or communication difficulties make it harder to understand what is happening.

Research on co-regulation highlights the role of supportive relationships in helping children develop skills for managing big emotions.

Consistent co-regulation can support the development of:

• Stronger relationships and feelings of emotional security
• Greater awareness of emotions
• Improved ability to cope with stress
• More effective communication
• Developing social and emotional understanding

Effective Co-Regulation Strategies for Children With Autism

There is no single co-regulation strategy that works for every child. The most effective approach considers your child’s communication style, sensory preferences, developmental stage and individual needs.

Practise Attunement

Pay attention to your child’s individual signs of emotional distress or excitement. Children with autism may communicate emotional changes through physical movements, vocal changes, changes in activity or attention, withdrawal or other behaviours rather than through conventional facial expressions.

Learning your child’s individual communication cues can help you recognise when they need support before emotions become overwhelming.

Provide a Calm Emotional Presence

When your child is experiencing big emotions, try to remain calm and predictable. A steady voice, reduced demands and a supportive presence can help create a sense of safety.

You do not need to immediately solve the problem. Sometimes being present and helping your child feel safe is the most important first step.

Validate Your Child’s Feelings

Acknowledging your child’s emotions can help them feel understood without suggesting that every behaviour is appropriate.

Simple statements such as “I can see that you’re feeling frustrated” or “That was a big change” can communicate that their feelings have been noticed and understood.

Consider Sensory Needs

Sensory experiences can have a significant impact on emotional regulation. A child who appears distressed may be experiencing sensory overload or seeking additional sensory input.

Consider whether factors such as noise, lighting, crowds, movement, clothing or physical sensations could be contributing to your child’s emotional response.

Use Visual Supports

Visual supports can give children concrete information about emotions and regulation strategies. Emotion cards, visual scales, social stories and simple visual choice boards can help children communicate how they feel and identify what might help.

Many families also find that working with qualified early childhood intervention professionals can expand their understanding of co-regulation and provide personalised strategies based on their child’s developmental profile.

Helping Children With Autism Develop Self-Regulation Skills

The transition from co-regulation to self-regulation happens gradually. Children first experience regulation with the support of trusted adults before beginning to use some of those strategies themselves.

Build an Emotional Vocabulary

Help your child learn words, signs, pictures or other communication methods for different emotions. Visual emotion cards, books and social stories can make abstract feelings easier to understand.

Start with simple emotions such as happy, sad, angry, worried and calm before introducing more complex emotional concepts.

Develop Body Awareness

Help your child notice physical signs that may occur alongside emotions. These might include a racing heart, tense muscles, changes in breathing or feeling hot or restless.

Recognising these early signs can eventually help your child identify when they may need to use a regulation strategy.

Create Predictable Routines

Predictable routines can reduce uncertainty and help children understand what is likely to happen next. Visual schedules, consistent routines and advance warnings can make everyday changes easier to manage.

Use Collaborative Problem-Solving

As your child develops, involve them in identifying situations that are difficult and exploring strategies that may help.

For example, you might ask, “What could help when the classroom gets too noisy?” This encourages your child to participate in developing their own regulation toolkit.

Practise Regulation Strategies During Calm Moments

New strategies are usually easier to learn when a child is calm. Practise breathing, movement breaks, asking for help or finding a quiet space before your child needs to use the strategy during a highly emotional situation.

Practical Self-Regulation Strategies for Children With Autism

As children develop, you can gradually introduce regulation tools that they can learn to use with increasing independence.

Breathing Strategies

Simple breathing activities can help some children slow down and focus on their bodies. You might practise “balloon breathing”, where your child takes a slow breath into their belly and gently breathes out.

Movement Breaks

Some children regulate more effectively through movement. Depending on your child’s needs and preferences, this could include jumping, stretching, wall pushes, walking or other structured physical activities.

Sensory Regulation Tools

Some children benefit from sensory tools such as fidget items, stress balls or other preferred sensory resources. These should be selected according to the individual child’s needs and preferences.

Quiet or Calming Spaces

A designated calming space at home or school can give your child somewhere predictable to go when they feel overwhelmed. This space should be supportive rather than used as punishment.

Visual Timers

Visual timers can help children understand how long they need to wait or how much time remains before an activity changes. This can reduce uncertainty and support smoother transitions.

Personalised Regulation Plans

As your child develops, you can work with their support team to create an individualised regulation plan. The plan can identify common triggers, early signs of distress, preferred strategies and ways adults can provide support.

Co-Regulation and Self-Regulation: Why Both Continue to Matter

Developing self-regulation does not mean that children will no longer need co-regulation. Everyone needs support from others at different points in life, particularly during periods of stress, illness, change or uncertainty.

For children with autism, the balance between co-regulation and self-regulation may change depending on their developmental stage, environment, sensory needs and current circumstances.

The goal is not complete independence from emotional support. Instead, it is to help your child develop a flexible toolkit of regulation strategies that they can use across different situations, with the level of adult support gradually reducing when appropriate.

Celebrating Progress in Emotional Regulation

Developing emotional regulation is a significant achievement, so remember to recognise the small steps along the way.

Your child might use a calming strategy without being reminded, communicate that they need a break, recover more quickly after becoming upset or ask for help before becoming overwhelmed. Each of these moments represents meaningful progress.

Emotional regulation is not a linear process. There may be days when your child demonstrates strong self-regulation and other days when they need considerably more co-regulation. This variation is a normal part of development.

Supporting Emotional Regulation in Children With Autism

Supporting your child’s emotional regulation journey requires patience, consistency and an understanding of their individual communication, sensory and developmental needs.

By providing supportive co-regulation and gradually teaching self-regulation strategies, parents and carers can help children with autism develop valuable skills for managing emotions, communicating their needs and responding to everyday challenges.

With the right support, children can build greater emotional resilience and confidence as they navigate social interactions, learning environments, transitions and other experiences throughout childhood and beyond.