Helping Kids Cope with Change (Big and Small)

For many children with autism, transitions, such as moving from one activity, place, or expectation to another, can be a genuinely challenging experience. Whether it’s leaving the playground, switching from screen time to dinner, or adjusting to a substitute teacher, these moments of change can trigger distress that leaves everyone feeling exhausted.

Flexibility is a skill, and like any skill, it can be taught. With the right strategies, you can help your child navigate transitions more smoothly and build their capacity to cope with change over time.

Why Transitions Can Be Difficult

Transitions ask children to stop something they’re engaged in, shift their attention, and start something new. For children with autism, this process can be particularly demanding. They may be deeply focused on their current activity, uncertain about what comes next, or simply find the unpredictability of change uncomfortable.

Understanding that transition difficulties are rooted in how your child processes change, rather than defiance or stubbornness, can help you approach these moments with patience and the right support.

Building Flexibility Skills

While visual schedules are a helpful tool, true flexibility goes beyond knowing what’s coming next. It’s about developing the internal skills to cope when things don’t go as expected.

Practise small changes in low-stress moments. Introduce minor, manageable variations when your child is calm and regulated. This might mean taking a slightly different route to the park, using a different coloured cup at snack time, or changing the order of your bedtime routine. When children successfully navigate small changes, they build confidence for bigger ones.

Teach “change happens” as a concept. Some families find it helpful to explicitly teach that plans can change, and that’s okay. You might use simple language like “Sometimes things change, and we can handle it” or create a visual card that represents flexibility. Celebrate moments when your child copes well with unexpected changes, reinforcing that they have this skill.

Use choice-making to build control. Offering limited choices during transitions can help your child feel some agency in the process. “Would you like to walk to the car or hop to the car?” or “Should we pack away the blocks first or the crayons?” gives them a role in the transition rather than feeling it’s happening to them.

Gradually increase tolerance. If your child struggles significantly with transitions, start where they are. If they need a ten-minute warning before leaving an activity, that’s your starting point. Over time, you can gradually adjust—nine minutes, then eight—building their capacity incrementally.

Everyday Transitions: Practical Strategies

Give warnings that work for your child. Many children benefit from knowing a transition is approaching. This might be a verbal warning (“Five minutes until we pack up”), a visual timer they can see counting down, or a song that signals the activity is ending. Find what resonates with your child and use it consistently.

Make the next activity appealing. Sometimes the resistance isn’t about leaving the current activity—it’s about what comes next. Where possible, build something positive into the upcoming activity. “After we leave the park, we get to listen to your favourite song in the car” creates motivation to move forward.

Create transition routines. Having a consistent way of moving between activities can provide comfort. This might be a special phrase you say, a brief transition activity (like a high-five or a particular movement), or a consistent sequence of steps. The predictability of the transition routine can ease the unpredictability of the change itself.

Stay calm and confident. Children often take their cues from the adults around them. If you approach a transition with tension or anxiety, your child may mirror that. A calm, matter-of-fact tone communicates that this change is manageable.

Unexpected Changes: Building Resilience

While we can prepare children for planned transitions, life inevitably brings surprises. Building your child’s ability to cope with unexpected changes is one of the most valuable skills you can foster.

Narrate flexibility when you model it. When something unexpected happens in your own day, talk through it aloud. “Oh, the shop is closed. That’s not what I expected. Let’s think about what we can do instead.” This models flexible thinking in action.

Create opportunities for positive surprises. Not all unexpected changes need to be difficult. Occasionally introduce surprise positive changes—an unexpected treat, a spontaneous trip to a favourite place, or a fun change to the usual routine. This helps children learn that change can sometimes be wonderful.

Prepare a “change plan.” Work with your child to develop a simple strategy for when unexpected changes happen. This might be taking three deep breaths, finding a quiet spot, or using a calm-down strategy they’ve practised. Having a plan gives them something concrete to do when they feel overwhelmed.

In-the-Moment Coaching Scripts

When you’re in the middle of a difficult transition, having some go-to phrases can help you stay calm and guide your child through. Here are some scripts to try:

For planned transitions:

• “Two more minutes with the blocks, then it’s time for lunch. You’re getting so good at finishing up.”
• “I know it’s hard to stop playing. Let’s take a deep breath together, and then we’ll walk to the car.”
• “First we put shoes on, then we go to Grandma’s house. What colour are your shoes today?”

For unexpected changes:

• “This is different from what we planned. That can feel tricky. Let’s figure it out together.”
• “I can see this change is hard. That’s okay. Let’s use our calm breaths.”
• “The plan changed. You can handle this. What’s one thing we can do right now?”

For when emotions are running high:

• “I’m here with you. We’re going to get through this together.”
• “It’s okay to feel upset. Let’s find a quiet spot for a minute.”
• “You’re safe. This feeling will pass. I’m right here.”

When Transitions Remain Challenging

If transitions continue to be a significant source of distress despite consistent strategies, professional support can help. A behaviour analyst can observe your child’s patterns, identify what’s driving the difficulty, and develop an individualised plan to build flexibility skills systematically.

Sometimes what looks like transition difficulty is connected to other factors, such as communication challenges, difficulty understanding expectations, or underlying anxiety. A professional assessment can help clarify what’s happening and ensure your child gets the right support.

Small Steps, Big Progress

Remember that building flexibility is a gradual process. Every time your child successfully navigates a transition, even with support, they’re strengthening their ability to cope with change. Celebrate these moments, no matter how small they seem.

With patience, consistency, and the right strategies, transitions can shift from daily battles to manageable moments. Your child can learn that change, while sometimes uncomfortable, is something they can handle, and that’s a skill that will serve them for life.